The Duchess of Sussex has previously implied that her mental health had deteriorated through her years as a senior royal, but during her interview with Winfrey, she revealed the full extent of her ordeal.

She admitted that life as a member of the royal family was so isolating and lonely, and she felt so abandoned by the institution, that she considered suicide while pregnant with her son Archie.

She went on to say that she brought those concerns to the palace, but that she felt unprotected by them. “I went to the institution, and I said that I needed to go somewhere to get help, I said I’d never felt this way before … and I was told that I couldn’t, that it wouldn’t be good for the institution,” Meghan said, noting that she raised her questions with “one of the most senior people.”

She said that she sent emails in which she was “begging for assistance.”

Meghan admitted the ordeal to Harry because “I knew that if I didn’t say it, that I would do it — and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore,” she explained. As they sat on the steps of their cottage, she shared her feelings with her husband. The two had to fly to London for an engagement a few hours later. She told Harry, “I can’t be left alone,” after he proposed she rest at home.

During the interview, Harry said, “I wasn’t prepared for that.” “I, too, went into a really dark place. I wanted to be there for her.” He said that after Archie was born, he would return home from work to see Meghan weeping and breastfeeding their boy.

He said, however, that he did not bring up the subject with other family members. “That’s just not a conversation that would be had,” Harry said. “I guess I was ashamed of admitting it to them … For the family, they very much have this mentality of: This is how it is. ”

The duchess also revealed that she confided in an unidentified friend of Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, about her difficulties. “I didn’t know who to even turn to in that. And one of the people that I reached out to, who’s continued to be a friend and confidant, was one of … Diana’s best friends. Because it’s like, who else could understand what it’s actually like on the inside? ” she told Oprah Winfrey.