In the early 1990s, Richard Gere was taken to a Los Angeles hospital to have a Gerbil removed from his *ss. Gere was compelled to seek medical assistance when the mouse choked and died in his rectum while he was engaged in an odd sexual act known as ‘Gerbling.’

According to the Internet, gerbiling is a straightforward process. In the majority of cases, a tube is inserted into the *ss, followed by a gerbil. According to some tales, the gerbil should be declawed as a safety measure, but the main idea is to have the gerbil burrow around one’s anus for long enough to induce sexual satisfaction. A piece of cheese might be used to entice the gerbil up the tube, or a flame could be lit beneath the funnel to send the gerbil fleeing. The gerbil’s digging stimulates the prostate gland, which can cause spontaneous ejaculation in males. There are several locations where the gerbil can be introduced to women. Whatever the variations, the most basic equipment is: tube. gerbil. orifice. Even if its execution may cause additional complexities, the notion is not difficult to grasp.

Some claim Gere arrived to the hospital alone, while others claim he was accompanied by a buddy (former love interest Cindy Crawford).

He was too ashamed to give a complete medical history, but he did give the doctor a hint: “There might be something stuck in my rear end.” A rectal examination revealed blood flowing from his anus.

In any event, an x-ray was conducted, and the foreign item was discovered to be a gerbil (either alive or dead, depending on who tells the story). The animal was extracted from his behind by a team of physicians. Some versions state the gerbil was discovered shaved and declawed, while others claim it was placed in a special plastic bag. Others claim that the sad creature was Gere’s personal pet (appropriately named “Tibet” in this variant). In any case, we must infer that when the gerbilectomy was performed, the medical crew was unsuccessfully pledged to silence, and Gere went on his merry way, suffering no permanent injury other than his reputation.

Gere has long disputed the occurrence, saying he was the victim of a smear campaign. However, in his new book ‘Celebrity *ssholes,’ LAPD Detective Rick Fisk believes that Gere’s rear contains the answer to one of the twentieth century’s biggest mysteries:

“I’m convinced that Richard Gere’s *ss is the final resting place of ex-teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa. Over the years I’ve tried to get a search warrant but his lawyers claim there is no evidence that Jimmy is up there and I always say, ‘Fine, but if Richard has nothing to hide then why doesn’t he give me ten minutes with a rubber glove and a pencil torch and let’s find out for sure.”

This narrative, like others like The Promiscuous Rock Star, has been ascribed to a number of popular individuals who are known or suspected of being homosexual, and it has clung to one in particular: Richard Gere. Although the tale first focused on a variety of targets (including a Philadelphia newscaster), it has stuck to Mr. Gere’s name since at least the mid-1980s. Rumors that he underwent an emergency “gerbilectomy” at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in California have gone viral, with dozens of physicians and nurses claiming to have participated in, witnessed, or heard about the treatment from a reputable source. (Thousands of different physicians and nurses claim to have been on duty at the time Mr. Gere was supposedly brought in for treatment, indicating that Cedars-Sinai is the best-staffed hospital in the world.)

An anonymous prankster helped spread the rumor by flooding fax machines in Hollywood with a phony “press release” purporting to be issued by the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, claiming that Gere had “abused” a gerbil, not long after the film Pretty Woman boosted Gere’s popularity dramatically. When a reporter from the National Enquirer tried to chase down the gerbil tale, he discovered that there were no facts to be uncovered.

“Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder,” William Faulkner reportedly said of the angel city.